Structuring Family Life Reaps Benefits for Everyone

Dr. Bill Spaine

Couples with children face many challenges. Balancing the needs of the couple (or the needs of a single parent), work, extended family, and other aspects of daily life can be stressful on both parents and children and may often lead to an overall sense of chaos in the home.

Patients often tell me that they feel overwhelmed from the minute they walk through the door at home. I often hear from them that their homelife feels like “controlled chaos.” Rather than enjoying their family, they just feel stressed. The idea of enforcing rules and setting boundaries can seem like just another burden at the end of a long work day. In reality, establishing a family structure is an investment in their children and in the peaceful coexistence of the family.

To help restore order, I suggest that my patients with children develop a consistent structure for daily life in the home. Research has shown over and over again that children need and want structure and consistency to feel safe and secure.

I suggest that parents start by developing a set of household rules that they will stick to and enforce consistently. Children are reassured by having boundaries within the family and within the home. They also benefit from what they learn about respecting rules and boundaries at home when they are in school or in other settings outside the home.

Here are some simple guidelines I give them to start with:

  • Give each child a set bedtime (and STICK TO IT!)
  • Set clear guidelines and limits for watching t.v. and playing video games as well as using cell phones
  • Each child should be given daily, age-appropriate responsibilities
  • Parents should establish regular age-appropriate chores for each child
  • Define expectations of how children are to treat one another, their parents and guests in the home
  • Establish age-appropriate consequences for each child if they fail to follow household rules.

While such rules may seem obvious, many of my patients find that they don’t really have much consistency in how their family life operates because they are so busy. When a family really establishes a structure and sticks to it, parents are amazed at the difference it makes in their stress level and the outlook their children have.

Copyright © 2011 William E. Spaine, Psy.D.

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